Today has been a hard day for me... a few words to heal myself...
Today is a very very verrryyy sad day for me. I cant help it, i keep on crying and crying and crying.
Have you ever had a day where you cant even listen to musik, even if its hard rock (..or heavy metal for that matter) without busrting into tears? remembering someone dear? Oh well dear, thats how my day has been today.
And let me tell you, as a singer 24/7 , its even more hard.
I cant help thinking about him, I cant stop crying... i cant stop feeling so empty... i just cant believe you are gone...
A few days ago, my girlfriend told me that there was going to be an interview on tv. That very minute i was thinking of 400000000 things at the same time.. "will i be able to see it ?" and "am i strong enought and how can i know if im ready?"......
As i kept on with my life, i was on facebook yesterday and i have someone there who i only keep to know information about you, nothing else. I cant stand that guy.. but through his statuses i know and find out things easily. However, he reminded everyone that this interview were going to be seen in the US late night. thats when i decided that i really wanted to see it.
I was waiting the whole night, i even dreamt about you...when i woke up my head was somewhere else, i was up many times in the night to help my poor girlfrfiend who was up almost all night doing her essay that was due this very morning.
As I logg into facebook, i see this guy uploading a small clip of this interview and i right away click it.. that one and a half minute got me hooked and i was at least 1 hour trying to find more until a good friend of mine, Menno, gave me a link....
I finally got to see it... and in short words... i wasnt ready :(... My heart was in pain.. this was like one of the first times i saw a clear picture or clip of you since you died, my love. I couldnt...
I uploaded things, but never saw them.. i knew what they were....
I miss you so much, i cant even explain how that interview made me feel. My love and passion for you got even more strong and so many hurtful feelings came to life...
As I was watching the interview i was thinking "Wow does this pain even exsist?". I was staring at you, and thinking I am just having abad dream.. that you are not where ive heard you are... No words can explain how i felt... i wish i had a way to explain.. i want to scream it out, i want to cry, yell (at you and everyone else) and blame god for this... even though i know deep in my heart its not so...theres no one to blame, only 2 people and i am not going to get into that now...
As i saw your children talking about you, i could feel the pain, the sadness they must be feeling.... and your poor mother... oh dear, what did you do?!?!
I cant belioeve you are gone, I cant believe you left me here alone in this world when you were the one who told me and helped me to keep on living.. fighting life... why couldnt you have done the same?!?!?!?!!?!?! Damnit, i get so angry at you, almost as much as i cry for you.. I love you so much! please help me understand....
No on understands my passion for you, no one gets it.. how I can love you so much... i cant blame them, cause quite francly.. I dont get it either.
The whole day i have been wathing clips, interviews.. photos.. and at one point i only wanted to stretch my hands, grab you and hold you tight.. what if thats what you needed? Someone more to care and not let go of you, no matter how much you struggle and hit to get off...
Please help me understand, what happen? Why did it go this way? WHY did you go this path?.. im going crazy.. It was a long time ago i felt this pain. Its like it happen yesterday. As it was yesterday i saw your weak body being carried away.. i dont believe it damnit, i dont want to. I want to live in denial my whole life, if thats what it takes to take away this sadness i want to....
People dont understand me, no one ever will. Not when it comes to my love for you. Ive never wanted to marry you, im not like those crazy people/teenagers/oldies who thinks you are their soulmate. I dont love you that way... its a type of love that cannot be expressed.. you can only feel it and enjoy it (or painfully enjoy it, like im doing now). I dont see you like a hero, i dont see you like an angel.. like and inmortal (cause we all know now that you are mortal :'( ...).
I see you like my savier, like the mother, sister, brother, friend i never had. You are what i need to carry on.
My life changed when i saw you in gothenburg, i changed.... Since then, 80% of my teenage years were spent on you. When i was crying myself to sleep, i spoke to you.. you answered in so many ways i cannot explain.. a lot through songs. When i couldnt sleep, i wrote you letters... nowdays i got 2556 letters that were writen to you.. all my deepest throughts, all my life is in those letters... i dont see them like letters, it was me reaching out for someone who really were the only one who could save me from my depression at that time. You helped me so much, i can never ever thank you that. By writing you and talking to you, you saved me ending up with drugs (had a lot of friends who tool drugs around me). Thanks to you ive never taken drugs, drink or seriouly harmed anything. Maybe a few hearts here and there as ive been hurt too but thats a part of life, aint it, love?
Thanks to you, i have been struggling against some thoughts of my family about my carrier or wanting to sing and do music... YOU, taught me everything I needed to know to get started.. and look where it got me. I have a CD with my OWN songs, and in that cd i sing with a very known artist... he is singing my songs..
YOu taught me to fight and fight against my depression and pain, to follow my heart, to want to sing, taught me how to write songs... you taught me things that my own parents couldnt. dont get me wrong, i love my parents but they never approved me with music.
Since i was 10, ive followed you...youve been my rolemodel and gave me a hobby, a passion. You simply taught me how to find out what to love. Which now gives me a lot of problems.. I am a singer and i couldnt even sing today... i cry and cry.. every word, sentance and melody reminds me of you.. you are music..I adore you...
I know some people who will read this, thinks this is weird.. but to understand why i am so attached to him, you have to go inside shoes. be me.. feel what i felt growing up and my past with him.
but once again, he is so much more to me than a hero like people says he is.. to me, he is not god, but he sure helped me more and gave me more signs. I will never forget his look.. his eyes as he looked...... ah i cant even speak of it.. Im too sad...
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream!! I wanna hit... I want to show what i feel... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Today I was going through some things, and i found my 51 candles... the ones i light the day you died... 1 candle for each year you had, and 1 as showing my respect.. It broke my heart. This doesnt feel right.. you are not meant to be away.
I love you and hate you the same time.. i dont know if i hate you, but im so angry. so angry!! sooooooo angry!!!
I should go to bed now, its been a long day, i need some rest.. hopefully tomorrow when i wake up i will realize i was in a nightmare and that you are living.. doing your thing. And if its not.. well then i guess i will keep on fighting like you taught me..
thanks for giving me the strenght to be able to write a tribute song for you..i know it will be heard.. give me time, i need it..i need strengh.. i need to be able to sing it..without crying..im a mess...
The pain i felt when i got the news you had passed away, will haunt me forever, my sweet Michael Jackson.
You were so missunderstood, but no one can hurt you now.. NO ONE!!! and i know you are with the angels..wait for me. send me the same strengh from heaven as you did from earth.
Remember the things you stood by... “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”
I hope you meant what you say and it worked for you.. i love you.. nothing in this worl will ever make me love you less...
Forgive me for the times i didnt listen to you, forgive me for the times i changed the chanel when you were on,... its not that i didnt love you (cause i did).. i took you for granted... im so sorry... i feel terrible... its eating me insde... please forgive me.....Te quiero...ahora y siempre..
i will always love you more........
PS: I know sometimes i write HIM and sometimes i write YOU.. and spelling and that. I simply dont care.. i need to get this out.. and im too tired now to fix anything.. he knows im talking to him.. and at the same time letting YOU (the readers) hear my prayers and throughts... and what i tell him,...
You have, are and always will be a genious!!! <3
Have you ever had a day where you cant even listen to musik, even if its hard rock (..or heavy metal for that matter) without busrting into tears? remembering someone dear? Oh well dear, thats how my day has been today.
And let me tell you, as a singer 24/7 , its even more hard.
I cant help thinking about him, I cant stop crying... i cant stop feeling so empty... i just cant believe you are gone...
A few days ago, my girlfriend told me that there was going to be an interview on tv. That very minute i was thinking of 400000000 things at the same time.. "will i be able to see it ?" and "am i strong enought and how can i know if im ready?"......
As i kept on with my life, i was on facebook yesterday and i have someone there who i only keep to know information about you, nothing else. I cant stand that guy.. but through his statuses i know and find out things easily. However, he reminded everyone that this interview were going to be seen in the US late night. thats when i decided that i really wanted to see it.
I was waiting the whole night, i even dreamt about you...when i woke up my head was somewhere else, i was up many times in the night to help my poor girlfrfiend who was up almost all night doing her essay that was due this very morning.
As I logg into facebook, i see this guy uploading a small clip of this interview and i right away click it.. that one and a half minute got me hooked and i was at least 1 hour trying to find more until a good friend of mine, Menno, gave me a link....
I finally got to see it... and in short words... i wasnt ready :(... My heart was in pain.. this was like one of the first times i saw a clear picture or clip of you since you died, my love. I couldnt...
I uploaded things, but never saw them.. i knew what they were....
I miss you so much, i cant even explain how that interview made me feel. My love and passion for you got even more strong and so many hurtful feelings came to life...
As I was watching the interview i was thinking "Wow does this pain even exsist?". I was staring at you, and thinking I am just having abad dream.. that you are not where ive heard you are... No words can explain how i felt... i wish i had a way to explain.. i want to scream it out, i want to cry, yell (at you and everyone else) and blame god for this... even though i know deep in my heart its not so...theres no one to blame, only 2 people and i am not going to get into that now...
As i saw your children talking about you, i could feel the pain, the sadness they must be feeling.... and your poor mother... oh dear, what did you do?!?!
I cant belioeve you are gone, I cant believe you left me here alone in this world when you were the one who told me and helped me to keep on living.. fighting life... why couldnt you have done the same?!?!?!?!!?!?! Damnit, i get so angry at you, almost as much as i cry for you.. I love you so much! please help me understand....
No on understands my passion for you, no one gets it.. how I can love you so much... i cant blame them, cause quite francly.. I dont get it either.
The whole day i have been wathing clips, interviews.. photos.. and at one point i only wanted to stretch my hands, grab you and hold you tight.. what if thats what you needed? Someone more to care and not let go of you, no matter how much you struggle and hit to get off...
Please help me understand, what happen? Why did it go this way? WHY did you go this path?.. im going crazy.. It was a long time ago i felt this pain. Its like it happen yesterday. As it was yesterday i saw your weak body being carried away.. i dont believe it damnit, i dont want to. I want to live in denial my whole life, if thats what it takes to take away this sadness i want to....
People dont understand me, no one ever will. Not when it comes to my love for you. Ive never wanted to marry you, im not like those crazy people/teenagers/oldies who thinks you are their soulmate. I dont love you that way... its a type of love that cannot be expressed.. you can only feel it and enjoy it (or painfully enjoy it, like im doing now). I dont see you like a hero, i dont see you like an angel.. like and inmortal (cause we all know now that you are mortal :'( ...).
I see you like my savier, like the mother, sister, brother, friend i never had. You are what i need to carry on.
My life changed when i saw you in gothenburg, i changed.... Since then, 80% of my teenage years were spent on you. When i was crying myself to sleep, i spoke to you.. you answered in so many ways i cannot explain.. a lot through songs. When i couldnt sleep, i wrote you letters... nowdays i got 2556 letters that were writen to you.. all my deepest throughts, all my life is in those letters... i dont see them like letters, it was me reaching out for someone who really were the only one who could save me from my depression at that time. You helped me so much, i can never ever thank you that. By writing you and talking to you, you saved me ending up with drugs (had a lot of friends who tool drugs around me). Thanks to you ive never taken drugs, drink or seriouly harmed anything. Maybe a few hearts here and there as ive been hurt too but thats a part of life, aint it, love?
Thanks to you, i have been struggling against some thoughts of my family about my carrier or wanting to sing and do music... YOU, taught me everything I needed to know to get started.. and look where it got me. I have a CD with my OWN songs, and in that cd i sing with a very known artist... he is singing my songs..
YOu taught me to fight and fight against my depression and pain, to follow my heart, to want to sing, taught me how to write songs... you taught me things that my own parents couldnt. dont get me wrong, i love my parents but they never approved me with music.
Since i was 10, ive followed you...youve been my rolemodel and gave me a hobby, a passion. You simply taught me how to find out what to love. Which now gives me a lot of problems.. I am a singer and i couldnt even sing today... i cry and cry.. every word, sentance and melody reminds me of you.. you are music..I adore you...
I know some people who will read this, thinks this is weird.. but to understand why i am so attached to him, you have to go inside shoes. be me.. feel what i felt growing up and my past with him.
but once again, he is so much more to me than a hero like people says he is.. to me, he is not god, but he sure helped me more and gave me more signs. I will never forget his look.. his eyes as he looked...... ah i cant even speak of it.. Im too sad...
CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna scream!! I wanna hit... I want to show what i feel... I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Today I was going through some things, and i found my 51 candles... the ones i light the day you died... 1 candle for each year you had, and 1 as showing my respect.. It broke my heart. This doesnt feel right.. you are not meant to be away.
I love you and hate you the same time.. i dont know if i hate you, but im so angry. so angry!! sooooooo angry!!!
I should go to bed now, its been a long day, i need some rest.. hopefully tomorrow when i wake up i will realize i was in a nightmare and that you are living.. doing your thing. And if its not.. well then i guess i will keep on fighting like you taught me..
thanks for giving me the strenght to be able to write a tribute song for you..i know it will be heard.. give me time, i need it..i need strengh.. i need to be able to sing it..without crying..im a mess...
The pain i felt when i got the news you had passed away, will haunt me forever, my sweet Michael Jackson.
You were so missunderstood, but no one can hurt you now.. NO ONE!!! and i know you are with the angels..wait for me. send me the same strengh from heaven as you did from earth.
Remember the things you stood by... “If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.”
I hope you meant what you say and it worked for you.. i love you.. nothing in this worl will ever make me love you less...
Forgive me for the times i didnt listen to you, forgive me for the times i changed the chanel when you were on,... its not that i didnt love you (cause i did).. i took you for granted... im so sorry... i feel terrible... its eating me insde... please forgive me.....Te quiero...ahora y siempre..
i will always love you more........
PS: I know sometimes i write HIM and sometimes i write YOU.. and spelling and that. I simply dont care.. i need to get this out.. and im too tired now to fix anything.. he knows im talking to him.. and at the same time letting YOU (the readers) hear my prayers and throughts... and what i tell him,...
You have, are and always will be a genious!!! <3
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